David Wood, reporter for the Huffington Post and a one who I consider a friend, recently asked a compelling question- “When does a Wounded Warrior move past being a Wounded Warrior? What is that journey like?” I felt that this question begs to answer also, “What can I do if the one I care about is struggling to get through this? I start by trying to help understand what is going on and then how to help without jeopardizing the relationship.

First the journey we are speaking of is actually one of mourning. We don’t realize it, but we mourn many things. As humans, we resist change. We go through some form of mourning every time there is a change. It is a natural, healthy phenomenon. Some pass through this phase faster than others, but we all pass through it. I still mourn certain things. For example- I just recently started getting dental reconstruction from the blast although my teeth have been a wreck for 7 years. Why did I wait 7 years to do it? Because the only fix was crowns. Lots and lots of crowns. That meant shaving down the old teeth and adding in new ones. The old teeth had already had root canals done and were turning 3 different shades of gray. Why would anyone wait? It only took 3 hours to fix. It’s because for some reason, I had to mourn the loss of my once beautiful teeth. My pride. I don’t know why I suddenly changed my attitude, I was just ready. I marched straight into the dentist and we shaved those suckers right off. Now I have a great smile again. Last year this time you couldn’t have tied me to the chair to get it done. I don’t know why it took so long. Another example is my hair. I fight year after year with the VA to replace old worn out prosthetic hair peices. I ask friends and acquintenaces alike if they think they would judge me any differently without it and even take it off for them and the say no. Not after about 30 seconds of talking with me would they even notice. Yet I don’t want to let it go. I am not ready yet. I know I will be and I think it may be soon but in the mean time, I need to go through the process. In many other ways, I pushed through the mourning process. I lost a good career, but chose not to let it get in the way. It was too important to pick up the peices and keep marching. Life was too short to sit on the back porch and let it get the best of me. It decided it would be easier to not let the thought enter my head and face the world than to sit and contemplate it all. So I pushed through the mourning. I maintained my right to leave at any minute, but never did because I was afraid to go down that dark road. I figured it is easier to stay in the light.

If the one you care about has allowed themself to go down that road, it’s hard to get out. What can others do to help?

First, listen for them seeking validation. Like Stephen R. Covey mentions in his book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People & The 8th Habit” we need to speak validation into others. The individual may be fishing for validation that they are capable and more importantly, worth it. As you listen to them, jump on any comment that fishes for validation. “You could do that!” or “I don’t know what your waiting for!” are amazingly helpful. They are seeds that you don’t get to watch germinate. But they germinate late at night when doubt creeps in and the words, “You don’t need to do a thing. This country owes you. Just sit back and take the handouts you deserve”. The truth is, these words rob our self worth. We sink deeper and deeper into a hole. What we need to hear is, “You have LIFE left inside of you! Make this second chance WORTH something! If you quit now, the enemy WON.” Listen for fishing for validation and heap it on whenever you do.

Next, speak it into existance yourself! It’s easier to see in others what we miss in ourselves. You don’t even need to wait for it, find it and speak it, but it MUST be authentic. It’s not hard to do, but it does take a bit of mental effort. Be prepared for counters of excuses that society has fed them. When the excuses come back, empathize, don’t sympathize. Be understanding, but stand your ground. If you see potential, say it even if there are hurdles to overcome.

Bottom line, you can help bridge this gap for them. It is a condition that WE, America, has created and WE, America need to help overcome. You may never hear how your words changed their lives. Maybe one day, long after your words of encouragement are have faded into the past, you’ll find out they were the words that bridged the gap. Either way, these words need to be spoken for our Wounded Warriors to move beyond being Wounded Warriors.